


Do You Regret It?

by Angelwire



Series: From Artifice [5]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén
Genre: Angst, Dreams, F/F, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 18:41:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20822009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelwire/pseuds/Angelwire
Summary: Oh, what could have been. If you weren't a fake. If you trusted her.





	Do You Regret It?

**Author's Note:**

> i probably have issues, dont i
> 
> oh well, time to project more of them onto fiction
> 
> (and still have no idea how to tag anything in the process)

_This room is becoming very familiar to you by now. It's not the first time you were invited back to share a little drink or two after a harrowing day. This time, Ortega has left a king-sized chocolate bar smack dab in the center of her desk, as if waiting for you to enjoy it. And then trap you? You chuckle a little at the mental imagery of falling for a blatant, oversized mousetrap and thereafter being at her mercy. And then you wonder exactly how much of that is innocent to imagine._

_"I remembered what you said last time about beer not exactly being your thing," Julia says from behind you, stepping closer now that the lights were on, "so I thought I'd get you another sort of treat. I mean, we oughta celebrate, right? We kicked ass out there today!"_

_You don't exactly remember that. You remember Ortega making another brazen, foolhardy move and scrambling to catch up. You remember another flash of panic at the idea that she could get torn up again, like a repeat of the Catastrofiend incident, and you remember barely being able to keep yourself on your own two feet as you hugged her. Still, you_ were_ victorious in the end, so even with your own performance being lacking, it seems wrong to get depressed over it._

_In any case, she must have set this up, right? Putting the chocolate there like that. Had she planned this ahead of time?_

_"More like_ you_ kicked ass. I was just lucky," you protest meagerly._

_"Don't be so hard on yourself. Just because the stress got to you at the end doesn't mean we don't make a great team, Serra. I couldn't have done that without you there."_

_You don't have any way to refute that, so you don't. Like the hungry little mouse you are, you decide to move in and accept the candy your partner's left for you, and just like the little mouse you are, the trap catches you. Julia's arms wrap tightly around you, giving you a little start - you hadn't been paying enough attention to hear her close the distance. She squeezes, and you shiver._

_"Before you get your sugar, how about you give me some?"_

_You giggle adorably. "I- just- Christ, that was really smooth! How, um-"_

_"How long did I work on that one for?" Ortega interrupts you with a smile in her voice. "A couple days. And you're just as cute flustered as I knew you'd be."_

_She really didn't need to try this hard to get you flustered, or to get you in the mood for her affections, but the fact that she did brings a deeper heat to your cheeks. You're not just someone she's taking advantage of because you're right here and she has you wrapped around her finger... at least, that's not the only reason. She's actually trying to make you happy. She's enjoying seeing you smile and blush and squirm. You can't read her, but you know that has to be so, and not just due to the multitude of times you've asked for her reassurance._

_Julia's muscled arms effortlessly turn you in place 'til her eyes can properly lock with yours, and you dare not look away. She's still gripping you, holding you in place. It feels nice. Something inside you tenses up as she moves in closer, but it's alright, because she's gentle with you - after this many sessions of brief intimacy, Ortega's learned that much. Your foreheads touch. The way she breathes becomes the only sound you hear, only for the sensation of fingers brushing against your thigh to bring your heart to racing and introduce another noise in your ears._

_"Is this okay?" she asks. So softly._

_"...Yes."_

_In moments, the two of you are kissing again. Her hand's found comfort at your hip, with the other just beginning to tangle itself in your hair. There's still a very faint taste of blood in her mouth, but nothing you can't ignore, thankfully. Just a reminder that she needs you. Gods, how that thought warms your stomach._

_Taking a moment to clear space, your arm sweeps behind you and pushes the lonely chocolate away, giving you just enough room for Ortega to lift and set you down on her desk. This wasn't the first time, so you were more prepared. And there wasn't anything poking your ass to ruin the mood this time. Still, her hand lingers. The fingers press into available flesh, and your body has just enough give to it to satisfy her, a smile spreading across the lips you're still kissing. She knows to take it slow but she can't help herself. Julia pulls away. You want to protest. Unfortunately for you, she's too swift to allow for that. Moist lips press hard into your exposed neck, drawing another blatant shiver from you, and Julia smiles here, too._

_"N-not fair-" you manage to squeeze out just before she bites you. Your interjection quickly evolves into a moan, a deep, throaty,_ needy_ thing that demands to express itself. Never had that happen before. You're fairly certain you could fry an egg on your face right now, with how hot it feels._

_"Oh my~" Julia murmurs, "if you were in this sort of mood you should have told me."_

_"No! No, no no no, um-" Fuck. You're panicking now. Get away. Get_ away_, fuck, please-_

_Ortega pulls back, a look of concern replacing any sultry expression she might have worn just a second ago. You're already back on your feet again, pacing firmly away from her desk, not quite leaving yet certainly not staying. The bookshelf holding scant paperwork seems so much more inviting all of a sudden._

_"Serra?"_

_"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm... like this," you exhale._

_"Did I do something wrong?"_

_"No, it's not you! You're never- never bad, for me." Going great there, dumbass. You turn back to face her again, sheepishly. "Um, christ... I'm sorry. I just..."_

_"...You're not ready for that," she concludes. Your eyes scan over every inch of her face for some disappointment or loss of interest, but no, she's the same woman as ever. Just concerned for you. How could you possibly deserve this? If she knew why you were so freaked out just now, she'd have a much different look to her, you know that much._

_"I guess not."_

_You turn to leave. As much as you don't want to. You just have no idea how you can possibly handle this situation anymore, and you can only pray she'll be understanding. With one last apology, your hand reaches the knob and pulls open her office door._

_Nothing happens though._

_Weren't you supposed to leave?_

_"Did you regret it?" Ortega's voice reaches you again._

_Where are you right now? This doesn't look like her office anymore. You're not really sure what it looks like, actually, but you're still here. And Julia's still here._

_"Regret what?" you ask, obligated though you know the answer._

_"Running away from this." Of course. "From me."_

_"I didn't really have a choice, at least not in my own head." Yes, keep making excuses. Keep hiding the truth._

_"Why?"_

_Why? Indeed. And why hide the truth? Don't you trust her?_

_"You... you know I can't tell you that," comes your response._

_"Serra, you can tell me anything. I'm never going to not be on your side. I'm never going to betray you."_

_Fuck. You wish those words were true, more than anything else in the world. Ortega's been here for you for so long, you've had each others' backs time and time again, you've saved each others' lives more than once. Ortega trusts you with her very life. With everything. So why do you keep choosing you spit in her face like this? Why keep making excuses? Why keep barreling towards a future you know, in your heart of hearts, that you don't actually want?_

_So what _do_ you want?_

_You already know. You already know, but..._

_"I don't deserve your love," you say. Crying._

_"But I love you anyways." Julia's voice has never been more tender, her expression more intimate and true. Crying harder._

_"No you don't, I was- I was just a fling. Temporary." You hug your own body. "I'm never going to hear you say you love me for real. Especially not if you find out."_

_She's so close all of a sudden. Your partner. Julia. She's close, and she cups your cheek the same way she did back then, back when you two kissed so frequently and her every word and glance lit your heart aflame. Something inside you is aware of how long it's been now. So very, very long, yet you can't escape how you feel, even after all this time._

_"What we had was real," she asserts._

_"How can it be real if I'm not?" The words slip out of you. If this weren't a dream, you'd sooner shoot yourself than let such a mistake occur, but you need to hear this from her. Even if it's a lie to yourself._

_"You're more real to me than any of those men were." You wish that were true. "The time we spent together was more real to me than any other dates I'd been on." Christ, you wish that were true. "Our bond _meant_ something, Serra. Still means something."_

_"You can't say that," you point out bitterly. "You're not even the real Ortega."_

_"It can still be true, if you want it to be."_

By the time sleep abandons you, you're already sobbing.

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally gonna be dream-smut but like everything i touch it inexplicably became raw, unfiltered angst. how does this keep happening to me? am i cursed? or is it a gift?
> 
> when will i get to write smut that doesnt just become too depressing to exist!!!


End file.
